Our Greatest Surprise
Never ever thought I’d be sitting down to write this post. Talk about life throwing you a curve ball.
Where to begin.
Some Background…
I guess I should back up for those who may not be familiar with our journey. We have two amazing daughters, Charlie and Quinn who are both IVF babies. You can read in depth about our journeys to our girls here and here.
But to sum it up- after not getting pregnant naturally, we tried medicated cycles, IUIs, then upon finding I had a blocked fallopian tube, underwent an exploratory lap. That’s where the doctor found stage three endometriosis growing on my uterus, fallopian tube and ovaries.
After clearing that, we tried more IUIs with no success. That’s when we moved to IVF. We were surprised to find that despite many eggs retrieved (34), after genetic testing, we were left with two embryos- this indicated that my egg quality was likely affected by the endo. But hey- it inly takes one and our first embryo was a success- our precious Charlie girl.
A year later, we transferred our last embryo, only to miscarry a few days later… the greatest loss of our lives. I thought that was the end of our journey.
I underwent another lap to clear the endometriosis (flared by the IVF meds) and we decided to do a whole new round of IVF. Yes, starting from scratch. We got ONE embryo that time… and it stuck… our Quinnie.
Being that we had no remaining embryos, we knew our family was complete. A family of four that we had fought so hard for!
Life After Infertility
Life after infertility is hard to explain. You are filled with such immense joy in loving the babies you fought like hell for. I had to remind myself that I was deserving of this joy. But that longing, that pain, the loss, all the physical and emotional heartache doesn’t just disappear. Your heart remembers. At least, mine did. In fact, many women suffer from PTSD as a result of their experiences. I believe I did to some extent. In fact, I was in therapy helping to process it and move forward.
The other tricky thing is knowing that you are “done”. When people would ask if we will have a third, it stung. My answer was no- but not by choice.
In my heart, I’ve always known that if we COULD have a third, we would. My husband and I are both one of three kids. I was working to accept that that wasnt it the cards for us and to finally close our baby journey. That wasn’t easy for me. Every step of Quinn’s pregnancy, labor and milestones felt a little bittersweet as I knew I wouldn’t experience it again. Putting away baby clothes for the last time… was painful. It felt so finite. Wrap that up in the guilt of knowing how very grateful you are- for many couples are still fighting. Infertility is complex.
Shifting Focus
I shifted my energy towards finally regaining control of my body after FIVE years of treatments, surgeries, meds, pregnancy and nursing. It had been through so much and I was ready to nourish it and heal. Endometriosis, after all, is a condition there is no known cure for. While I don’t have symptoms (other than infertility), I knew that it was a result of a hormonal imbalance (estrogen dominance).
I took a course on women’s hormonal health and really threw myself into it. I focused on clean foods- eating for hormonal and metabolic health and reducing toxins in our home (namely endocrine disrupters/xenoestrogens). It was empowering to take this control back. I was tracking my cycle- though not for fertility purposes, but more to relearn my body and what my normal was, not on all the meds.
I was still nursing Quinn, and my cycle returned at 10 months postpartum (just as it did with after Charlie).
We were busy making plans as a family of four. That included our very first beach trip since Chip and I’s one year wedding anniversary… seven years ago (thanks IVF).
A Beach Trip to Remember
Seeing our girls experience the sand and ocean was magical. We spent the mornings on the beach, afternoons at the pool and enjoyed yummy seafood and early nights.
I was expected to start my period the day we left for the beach. When it didn’t come, NOT ONE part of me thought I could be pregnant. With my history- that is a thought that I gave up on years ago. I assumed that because I was nursing, maybe things just aren’t regulated quite yet. Looking back though, I was super irritable, my low back was super sore and I was bloated.. all of which could be chalked up to PMS.
Taken the night before we found out
It was our last day at the beach. My husband asked me if I started my period yet…. I realized oh no I haven’t. It was him that asked if I could be pregnant. I instantly shut him down. Are you kidding? After everything we’ve been through? While we hadn’t been “trying” we also hadn’t been preventing…. you try telling a woman whose been through all I have to use birth control, ha! Couple that with little time or energy for intimacy while co-sleeping with a one year old that didn’t sleep.
Well, my husband suggesting that got into my head. I thought, “My god, if for some fluke I am pregnant, I would want to know ASAP so I can get on progesterone (to prevent miscarriage)“.
So, I agreed to taking a test. He went out immediately.
Once he got home I took it right away. We were all in our bathing suits, sun screened, beach bags packed. I wanted to take the test and get it over with so we could continue our day.
Instantly after I took the test a dark second pink line appeared. I felt the blood rush through my body.
WHAT! No. How can this be? I’m pregnant? It’s a miracle! Wait. Oh no. Is everything ok? I’ve been heavy lifting. What if something is wrong. Oh my god. Is this fair to the girls? To have another baby? Quinn is still so little. Can I give them everything they need? Can we afford this? This will be such a big life change for Charlie. Oh my god. I have to tell Chip.
I frantically called Chip into the bathroom and showed him the test. The look on his face. He was in shock. I started crying. We hugged. I remember he was shaking. And then I spewed my anxiety.
Bracing for the Worst
We agreed for him to take the girls to the beach and for me to call my reproductive endocrinologist right away.
They called in progesterone and estimated I was around 5 weeks. HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLE!?
I called my mom and just broke down. Excited, but terrified. We called our families, but I made sure to warn them NOT to get their hopes up. I’ve never been pregnant on my own and we didn’t know if my body could do this. I was 35 and have a history of poor egg quality. Let’s not get our hopes up.
From then on, I adopted an attitude that if it’s meant to be, it will stick, and if not, we are still so so blessed. But each day, I checked for blood. Almost expecting to lose it. That sounds so morbid, but the combination of both experiencing loss before and knowing my egg quality wasn’t great made me a realist. Even still, I wake up in the mornings and hope it wasn’t all a dream.
But the days went on. We had an early ultrasound at my RE’s around 7 weeks and I was absolutely terrified for what we would see. How would I handle bad news? I don’t want my body to have to go through yet another surgery.
Right away, the ultrasound tech saw our baby… she said “one baby and one strong heartbeat”. I took the deepest sigh of relief and cried. My husband was in pure shock and overjoyed.
My RE monitored me closely until I was 9 weeks and then released me to my regular OB. I was super nauseous from 8 weeks on, which while it was brutal, also gave me reassurance that this baby was growing.
We decided to go ahead and tell Charlie. She knew mommy wasn’t feeling well and commented on my growing belly. Something really amazing to me, is that I swear, she instinctively knew all along. Before the beach, we were walking and she told me she wants another baby. Then another day, she asked me if she would have a baby in her tummy when she grew up. Then she prayed to God for a baby. I was pregnant this whole time and didn’t know… but it’s like she did.
It’s a BOY
At 10 weeks came the genetic testing. It was this I had been dreading and most scared for. Our IVF results always showed a big drop in our number of embryos after genetic testing. My doc tried to reassure me that for me to get this far, this was likely a healthy egg, and that most genetic abnormalities would have resulted in miscarriage by this point. The week of waiting for that result was brutal and allowed my anxiety to fester.
Then we got the call. The nurse said all my results indicated a low risk for genetic conditions. She also asked if I wanted to know the gender. I said yes. I’ll never forget the words, “you’re having a baby boy”. Again, I felt all the blood rush through my body and I began to cry.
I ran down to tell my husband who had been confident all along of two things- that this baby is healthy AND that it’s a boy.
When I told him the news, he cried happy tears and kept saying “are you kidding me!?”. We wanted to tell Charlie right away. I wanted to do a cute gender reveal cake, but we couldn’t wait. I made a simple card with a blue heart inside. We sat her down and told her we just got some exciting news about the baby in my tummy.
I was a little worried for her reaction because she had been telling me she wants another baby girl. But her face lit up when she saw the blue heart. She smiled and said “boy”. It was a beautiful day. We went out for pizza to celebrate. Surreal. Every step of this felt surreal. Still does.
Miracles Happen
We are now 20 weeks along. Halfway there. I’m still nauseas and looking more like 30 weeks.
But, I’m starting to accept that this baby boy may really be here to stay. That this is real and not some alternate reality I’m living in. That what I always assumed was impossible… is possible. That maybe all the efforts in balancing my hormones and being healthy actually worked (My RE also thinks that nursing for over a year with each girl was the best thing for my endometriosis and that it reset my hormones, so to speak). Though, it should be noted that my anxiety isn’t gone. Far from. I still worry for every ultrasound and milestone. I find such reassurance in feeling his kicks, which I’ve been feeling since 12 weeks. The Covid surge adds another layer of anxiety… but hey we’ve had one quarantine baby so we should be pros by this point.
But, we are also filled with anticipation and excitement. After learning about this miracle baby, we actually got the opportunity to move into a very special home that will serve out family best long term. One that is cozy, dreamy and feels like home. We are planning a baby boy nursery, we have a boy name, I’m sorting through boy clothes. Sure, we are anxious about how we will handle three. But also filled with immense gratitude that we are being given this miracle.
For those who have followed our journey, thank you.
For those who have wished us well or prayed for us, thank you.
For those who are reading this, thank you!
Going public with our infertility journey was terrifying. But it became an outlet that I really value. And I’ve formed connections and relationships with so many women facing it too. Sharing this news was just as scary. I was worried to jinx it. But right now- we ARE pregnant. And I can’t let my anxiety rob us of this joy.
So we are going to roll with this curveball!
Baby boy, you are a miracle!! And we can’t wait for you to join our crew!
-Caroline